Dear Mister Ralph Fiennes

 

Dear Mister Ralph Fiennes,

First, concatulations on yoor success as an actor. I didn’t know who yoo were until my momma sat me down for a Ralph Fiennes mewvee marathon, but now I have a pretty good idea of what yoor all about.

I was calling yoo RAL-pfff FIE-ness until my mom corrected me and said yoo pronounced yoor name Raif. Raif Fines. I thought she was pulling my tail, so I checked Speech Modification on YouTube and sure enough, she was right.

I’m not asking yoo to change yoor name since you’ve been an actor a long time… longer than I’ve been alive… but maybe, when yoo are doing a new mewvee, yoo could turn to the camera when yoo first appear and introduce yoorself by slowly enunciating the correct way to say yoor name. This will avoid confusion for others like me.

Dear Mister Governor DeSantis

Dear Mister Governor DeSantis,

I hope yoo and Mrs. Governor DeSantis, and all the little Governor DeSantis's had a nice Christmas and New Year. Concatulations on being rehired for yoor job. I had plans to vote for yoo, but I was turned away at the polling place because my rabies license was not good enough of an identification. They did, however, give me ear scritches and one lady had a bag of treats in her purse reserved for when she meets stray kitties. Not that I am a stray. I'm legal.

I recently learned yoo were born in Jacksonville. My pawrents lived there when they were newly married. They had an ice cream shoppe called Sasparilla’s. Maybe yoo went there after going to the movies. Do yoo remember what yoo ordered? Yoo look like the type who would order a banana split.