Welcome to the Wonderpurr new game show, Will You Be My Valentine? where one lovely young lady questions three bachelors to decide which she would enjoy having accompany her on a fabulously exotic vacation date. I'm your host. Herman TattleCat, and these are the lucky Bachelors:
Livin the dream on Canada's Cape, meet the guy you all know as @ItsMeKevin_theCat.
Bachelor Numpurr Two says he was adopted under false pretenses, and ended up living on a boat owned by a Vegan/Knit addict who posts photos of delicious noms on @TheVeganGalley. While he is currently land-bound for winter, during the summer months you can find him sailing up and down the American East Coast. Please welcome Turkish Van mix, Peanut, the guy you all know as @ImABoatCat.
HERMAN TATTLECAT: Bachelor Numpurr Three admits to being a special needs, emotionally challenged AssRabbit. Diagnosed with a personality disorder known as Brat Syndrome, it is said he has a total lack of impulse control, and boasts of being a role model for bad behavior. One of this bachelor's many talents is his ability to fetch, wear costumes, as well as climb ladders, all of which made National news when HLN host Robin Meade showcased him on Pet Moments last year. Please meet Rabbit, whose Turkish Van pedigree papers display the unlikely name of @Hermes_LuxuryCat.
KEVIN: Hiya, Lolly!
HERMAN TATTLECAT: Thank you, and Bachelor Numpurr Two?
PEANUT: Looking forward to meeting you, Lolly.
HERMAN TATTLECAT: Annnnd Bachelor Numpurr Three?
RABBIT: Hull-low, Lolly!
HERMAN TATTLECAT: Okay, they sound ready to go. If you have your questions ready, let's see how well you get to know them in the next eight minutes. So get comfortapurr, and start when you're ready.
LOLLY: Bachey-lor Numpurr One: What’s your strangest quirk?
KEVIN: I don’t “cat” very well. Considering imma cat that’s strange, right? I mean, I could cat if I wanted to. But I like to keep my options open.
LOLLY: Numpurr Two?
PEANUT: I hate playing by myself. Will you be my play mate? *wiggles flirty whiskers*LOLLY: *giggles* Numpurr Three?
RABBIT: I take myself off to bed at 6pm every night. But I expect a snack in my bowl before I fall asleep. Mom says I’m precious that way.
LOLLY: How would your Mom describe you in three words? Bachey-lor Two?
PEANUT: Mr. High. Maintenance.
LOLLY: I like the sound of that! Bachey-lor One?
KEVIN: Handsome. Debonair. Crazy good looking….he says modestly.
LOLLY: And Bachey-lor Three?
RABBIT: Relentless. Intelligent. Powerful. *flexes claws at the camera*
LOLLY: Where is your favorite place to spend time?
KEVIN: With the ladies! *wiggles eyebrows into camera* Humma Humma…and in my fav window looking at the birds and random cats in our back yard. They live in fear of me getting out, I tell ya.
PEANUT: I like a good paper bag.
RABBIT: My Zen Den where I go to meditate. This should tell you I am a cool, sensitive guy… but not a weenie.
LOLLY: Bachey-lors, what one word describes your life?
LOLLY: Numpurr Three, you mean Madcap as in foolhardy, harebrained and stupid?
RABBIT: Uhhh, No! I… I meant like crazy fun, except you said only one word and I was like well, if I said Crazy, then that would give you the wrong impression about me.
PEANUT: Or the right one, from my point of mew.
RABBIT: Give me your phone number after the show, Peanut, so I can send you a selfie of me and Lolly on our fabulous vacation date.
LOLLY: Bachey-lor Numpurr One, what’s your theme song?
KEVIN: I’m Just a Gigolo
PEANUT: Cool Change by Little River Band
LOLLY: And Three?
RABBIT: *throws back head and yowls* Born to be Wiiiild *makes motorcycle purr sound effects*
LOLLY: Gosh! I don't think my Momma would let me ride a motorcycle. Bachey-lors, what kind of weather forecast would our relationship be?
C-Rash and unpredictable
D-Like a tornado
KEVIN: D--A tornado in a good way. RAWR! *breaks into song* Thought you'd change the weather, Start a little storm, Make a little rain, But I'm gonna do one better, Hide the sun until you pray, I'm a tornado, Looking for a soul to take!
RABBIT: I’m Rash and unpredictable, with a side order of tornado. *breaks into song* If you change your mind, I'm the first in line, Honey I'm still free, Take a chance on me!
LOLLY TO MOMMA OFF STAGE: Do I have to still do this, Momma? They’re singing to me. What? But I don’t like them singing. It hurts my ears. *sighs* Ohhh-kay Bachy-lor Numpurr Two, what kind of weather forecast would you be? *puts paws over ears*
PEANUT: Rash and unpredictable. Sorry I don’t like to sing.
LOLLY: Great! I pick you. Game over!
HOST HERMAN TATTLECAT: Miss Lolly, in order to win the fabulous trip to an exotic location, you really need to give the other Bachelors a chance.
LOLLY: *heavy sigh* I just wanted to be on teevee. Ohhh-kay. Bachey-lor Numpurr One, give three random facts about mew. And NO SINGING!
KEVIN: Well, I don’t like shrimp. Which is weird because I love seafood. Also, I talk big, but actually I am very, very sweet. And third, I have serious street creds. You see, Lolly, before I was catnapped I roamed the streets. You’ll always be safe with me because of my gansta history.
LOLLY: Bachey-lor Numpurr Two?
PEANUT: I love meeting new people while I’m out and about. Fuzzy blankets are my weakness. And I sit like a very distinguished gentleman, a lot.
LOLLY: *squeals* That sounds so cuuuute! And Madcap boy, three random facts about mew.
RABBIT: I have such sensitive skin, I got a bad burn from a dose of Frontline Plus. *makes sad eyes into camera* Also, I can bleat like a goat. I’d be glad to purrform for you if you pick me.
LOLLY: That's two. What else?
RABBIT: This is embarrassing to admit but, I needed a bath after my first trip to the vet. The reason is better left to one’s imagination.
LOLLY: Wait-- are you saying you poo'd your britches? That must have been very embarrassing for you.
RABBIT: Yeah. Especially now that you made it abundantly clear to everyone watching.
LOLLY: *giggles* Bachey-lor Numpurr One, what is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to mew?
KEVIN: I got catnapped! Ya… I was a rough and tough street dude until I was catnapped. I felt kinda sorry for my ‘nappers, so I started to like them. I think I’m a text book case for Stockholm Syndrome.
LOLLY: Numpurr Two?
PEANUT: Once I went to jump but forgot I had a harness on and ended up dangling mid-air for a bit. Life lesson here: Look before you leap.
LOLLY: And Numpurr Three?
RABBIT: Besides getting bathed by the Vet I’d just met, I tried to jump UP a window, but slid down the wall and slipped behind the sofa. Mom, of course, caught it on video. In my defense, I was just a little kid.
LOLLY: Are you a talker, or the silent type, Numpurr One?
KEVIN: I talk, but I also know how to whisper in fluffy ears… *affects a voice like Antonio Banderas* Me-OW!
LOLLY: Numpurr Two? Silent or chatty?
LOLLY: I love silence, and I love pizza, so I’m definitely going to pick you, Numpurr Two.
HERMAN TATTLECAT: Miss Lolly!
LOLLY: *heavy sigh* Bachey-lor Numpurr Three?
RABBIT: I’m vocal when excited, but I know when to be silent, mostly cuz you girls like to talk so much, it’s hard to get a word in edgewise. Wait. That came out wrong. Can I get a do-over?
LOLLY: Bachey-lor Numpurr One, have you ever caught something alive, and if so, what did you do with it?
KEVIN: I did, but it was too big to eat…so I just almost tore off the finger. As mentioned, I also have some street creds so I’m a good hunter. *crosses arms, throws a smug Winner-Take-All look at Bachelors 2 and 3.*
RABBIT: You wouldn’t guess to look at me, but I’m a fast and furious hunter. I’ve got notches in my tail for my trophy kills. The most recent was a tiny frog who got down on his knees and begged me let him go. I did. But only after Mom grabbed me by the ruff, pried open my jaws of death, and rescued Froggy. I think he peed on Mom as a parting gift. *mimics Kevin, crossing arms and throwing him a smug look*
PEANUT: Yes, I'm a hunter, Lolly, but it got away. I put its tail in my food bowl so I could show my family that I do contribute to the pantry. This should tell you I’m capable of supporting mew, and seeing to your needs. *shows flashy tail to camera*